For some reason today my thoughts have been on this sweet little boy that I haven't held in such a long, long time. I'm missing him and wishing so much that I could kiss his sweet little cheeks one more time. I want him back. But if I could hold him again, I know that I would never let go.
I have to trust that he is in a better place, being loved as I love him. It's hard to believe that he has been gone for almost 6 years. We "celebrated" his 6th birthday on December 31st. I still haven't quite figured out how to handle that day, but this year was better. I knew that I didn't want to spend the day in emotional exhaustion, and so I decided that I would just keep busy. It worked out pretty well until the older girls mentioned that they would like to visit the cemetery and take him a teddy bear for his birthday. We did. How I hate the cemetery! That's just not how I like to think of Austin. It brings back the painful memories. We took them out to dinner afterwards to make it a little more upbeat and it seemed to work out. The harder day for me is February 21st. I remember so vividly the day he died. I remember driving home to tell my 2 little girls that their brother would never be coming home and thinking that I couldn't wait for some time to pass so that my heart wouldn't ache so much. On that day it still hurts like it was yesterday and I wonder how things would be different if he were still here. I miss him and love him so much. My sweet little angel boy!
1.25.2008
Life goes on...
Posted by Kristen at 11:34 AM
Labels: Life goes on...
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3 Comments:
My heart aches for you, this most made me cry! Hang in there. . . I just try to think of my mother being in the love and company of her own parents and grandparents whom she loved as much as I love her. I'm sure your son is being loved and cared for by one of your beloved ancestors. It doesn't take away the pain, but it makes it a little easier.
A few weeks ago in Relief Society they were having a lesson about the resurrection. It happened to be the day before my mother's birthday (the first one since her death). The whole topic was so tender for me, and I made a comment about how if it were not for my belief in the resurrection, I really don't think I could bear this. Thinking that this was the end, that I would never see her again, that that hole in the ground was her final resting place. . . That would be impossible to take. I don't think I could even go on.
But knowing where she is, how happy she must be, and that I will see her again makes all the difference in the world. It's still hard and I miss her terribly, but I know that she is still there and that one day I will rush into her arms and give her another big hug.
Thanks, Erika! That's exactly how I like to think of Austin--sitting on my grandma's lap listening to her stories, just as I did when I was little. I'm happy for him because I know that he's in a much better place and that he's happy and where he's supposed to be, doing what he's supposed to be doing. I always tell my girls when they are sad that it's okay to cry and to miss him. I just try to remind them that the sadness that they feel is for us, not for him. We cry because WE miss him and not because we are sad for him. It's always fun to remind them of this when they are struggling with homework or doing some chore they don't want to do! Lucky Austin! He doesn't have to go through all that we do!
While I was newly pregnant with Austin I attended the funeral of a friend's infant son. I left early, in tears wondering how you could say good-bye to your child. I realize now that it was not a good-bye, but rather an "I'll see you later". My friend has struggled a lot more and largely so because of her limited view. Eternity is a long time to be with your family and someday I will have the opportunity to have all of my children together. I think that's one of the things that bothers me the most. It's kind of silly, but I will never have a complete family picture to hang in my home.
Lonny's Mom lost her 5th son when he was only 3 months old. When her youngest daughter was about 2 years old, they had a big family picture taken. (There were 9 children, plus the son who passed away.) They had the photographer put a little picture of their infant son up in the corner. It's really special because it looks like he's smiling down on them from heaven! :)
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